Chemistry, same wavelength, attraction…

There are many ways to describe this elusive and hard-to-pinpoint force between two people and it is even harder to find a magic formula to predict when two people will actually be hit by it.

In my opinion, there are two elements that make us connect with someone:

Feeling understood & heard
When we feel that someone really truly “gets us” and our opinion matters and gets acknowledged, then we feel connected to this person.

I believe that this innate and inherently self-centered human need for understanding trumps all other things we crave for in someone like good-looking, smart, treating us well etc. At the end of the day, what really matters to us is how we feel.

Part of what we should therefore be striving for are people who provide us a platform to share and have the ability to listen and react to what we say.

Feeling similar Part of what makes us feel understood is how much we feel we are similar to each other. Needless to say, similarity can be expressed in values, upbringing, where we are from or shared experiences. It forms the trust we need to open up and share.

Why it matters These elements explain why sometimes we go on a date and it just “clicks” and we can spend hours talking like there is no tomorrow.

It feels like we have known the person for a long time. We describe the connection as light and natural and we feel comfortable and happy that we can be ourselves around that person.

At the end of the day, a great encounter between two people is a pingpong of mutually feeling understood and similar.

It matters because if we actively filtered for similarities (same origin and upbringing, same mental models and values, and shared experiences such as living abroad) we would have a higher probability to feel closer to someone.

If we then tested for social and communication skills such as whether the person has the ability to actively listen, to actively communicate and to be empathetic, then we also increase the likelihood of feeling understood.

Datings app are not there yet. However, if we keep those two elements in mind, we date better - even in the traditional way.

On a side note, sometimes we may feel similar to someone, but we don’t really feel the spark emerge. Often times, it’s because we don’t feel understood.

Only because we feel similar to someone, doesn’t mean this person also automatically understands us. In my opinion, finding understanding is much harder than finding similarity.