So moving along the logic of connection, I believe there are four types of how two people connect.

I don’t know if the below framework can help us connect better –I wished it would– but of course it is just an ex-post summary of my empirical studies on guys - keep that in mind :)

Yes, it is a 2x2 matrix, definitely not meant to be exhaustive, but fun anyways. I’d be curious, if you can relate to those quadrants (or whether in reality we should be looking at a 3x3 matrix).

The four connection quadrants:


Degree of seriousness means how serious we take the person as a contestant for a serious partner. Intensity and frequency mean how much we are on the same “wavelength” and how intense we feel when we meet.

Let me tell you about the four guys I met two weekends ago to illustrate the quadrants:

Situational connection (low seriousness/low frequency):
Guy 1 is a stranded coronavirus victim, who came to Singapore because he couldn’t return to his home in Shanghai. When we casually dated in Shanghai, he was super attractive to me: An investor, sharp and clever, with manners. He felt similar - having lived in many countries before. A guy from the Netherlands - so close enough to my German upbringing. He was here in Singapore for a stint and we hung out.

We connected in Shanghai, most likely since the dating market is so bad there with many low quality guys, making this particular guy stand out - not because he is great, but because he is average. We hence connected over a particular situation (living in Shanghai) which obviously does not hold true anymore in Singapore

Physical attraction (low seriousness/high frequency):
I feel very physically attracted to Guy 2. Broad shoulders, tall, manly. You just want to sleep with him. But I hardly feel connection in the sense of a romantic partnership, so not taking it very seriously. It is fun though.

One-sided connection (high seriousness/low frequency):
Guy 3 is in the creative industry, lived across Africa, Europe and is now in Asia. He is a visual animation artist and loves to share his passion for the job. He took me to a Disney exhibition and really shared a lot - on paper he is great. I felt bad though for not feeling any connection and was even a bit taken aback when in one of the following dates he kissed me, telling me he felt so connected to me.

He is a one-sided connection example - though the connection is on his side not on mine. I realize now, that I didn’t feel connected, because I never gotten a chance to really share anything about myself as the dates were all very dominated by what he liked and cared about. I also think he projected a lot on me that I was not - which in general is a risky thing to do.

Two-sided connection (high seriousness/high frequency):
Guy 4 - what a complicated mess. I really like him. We have lived in similar countries before, he is extremely different, sharp and an independent thinker. He is loyal and inherently a good person with good values. There is a mutual understanding and respect for another (or so I want to believe).

We have spent two weeks together and it felt like a lifetime. I also rationally think that he understands me but I don’t feel understood. He is socially awkward, does not express feelings and thoughts, battles with own mental demons of the past, and makes me extremely frustrated. Somehow, we are not swinging on the same frequency (anymore) and perhaps I also projected a lot into him that he is not.

If I look at these four guys, I definitely feel similarity with Guy 3 (creative animator) and Guy 4 (independent thinker), but only feel understood to a certain degree by them. The two lower quadrants (Guy 1 and 2) are really more of a transactional nature, although with Guy 2 (manly guy) the physical frequency is great 😉.