It’s not an easy topic to address.

Often times we may not see, or want to see when we feel exhausted. It also doesn’t matter how we call it. But if the feeling persists of constantly feeling like you don’t have things under control, or feel overwhelmed or anxious with new tasks or things then a red flag should light up in you.

Looking back, I do think that 2019 was extremely exhausting for me. I woke up on January 1, 2019, thinking that I would spend my future with the guy next to me and that we had committed to Shanghai for at least another year. I had started a new job, heading up the China business of a French start-up in Shanghai. Life and work seemed to have come into more certain waters and I was ready and looking forward to committing to it.

The start-up didn’t last. After some product market testing, I soon realized that we either had to pivot the service and put some gun powder (aka management commitment and investment) behind China or leave China altogether. There are no half things in China.

The guy didn’t last. After a fall out, he moved back to the States. For a brief moment, we did try it again, and I even put my mind into a thought experiment of moving myself to New York. The word marriage also lingered in the room… Perhaps it was indeed destiny that the start-up didn’t work out in China which meant I could leave, I thought. Was I going to settle now in the US and become American, I joked in my head.

We wanted the same, but in different ways and in the end, it didn’t work out. With no attachments left, I decided that it was perhaps finally time to go home. Packing up my life into several suitcases, I moved myself back to Munich. I felt exhausted and decided to take a break. After some heavy partying subsided, I started to reflect and asked myself who I wanted to be in ten years.

Overall, I recognized that re-expatriating was harder than expected and that perhaps after 12 years of being abroad, I was indeed not as German anymore as I had thought. I particularly found dating German guys dull, rigid and in a way close-minded Jobwise, I realized that I was in no energy state to put 150% of myself into a start-up again that was doomed to fail in 98% of cases and that I needed a job that was more stable.

So after a lot of comtemplation, a lot of inner fights and a lot of me-time, I finally decided to take an offer that would enable me to take a breather and regain energy while at the same time still work on innovative business models and start-ups. At first, I was a bit hesitant, as the job required me to move back to Singapore, but I realized quickly that my strength had always been to be at the intersection of cultures, and so working for a German company, tackling Asia and China seemed like a job made for me.

So after this helluva ride this year, I will celebrate the end of 2019 in Singapore, over hotpot and with good friends. None of the above was imagined, planned or intended. When I look back, I am surprised myself how I was able to weather through all of it. Those periods in life show me again and again of what we are capable and how much resilience we can have, when it really matters and when we actively decide to be okay.

The year did teach me a lot about myself though. It did make me be extremely aware of my finite energy level and how I need to protect my time as much as possible. Part of regaining control for me is making more conscious decisions and saying no more often. Another part is removing myself from environments that caused these uncertain or uncontrollable elements in the first place. Moving out of China was one of them, deciding against a start-up job another one.

I don’t feel fully recovered yet and I am yet to settle into Singapore and find an apartment and home I like. But one thing that China did teach me is to have patience and to approacht things step by step.

You can have each incremental step under your control and you can have your daily routine under your control and after some time, you will see that you will have the bigger picture under control again.