I remember the moment when I was done with the world.

I had just stepped out of an interview conducted via video call and I was annoyed: Staring at the green ball in my laptop and giving my presentation without seeing people's faces and reactions was incredibly unsatisfactory. Even more frustrating were the questions asked like "You have only been so short in the company, why do you think you are the best candidate?"

I mean...if 'years of affiliation' was the key success factor for the MD role then why even consider me? I will not be able to change the fact that I have only been with the company for 10 months. 

I think what really made me seriously consider to withdraw my candidacy was the strategy workshop right after the interview where my proposed ideas were shot down by my colleagues and peers.

In my head I thought: "How should I become their boss if I wasn't even able to hold my ground in such an important meeting?" I painfully realized that I may not have credibility with my peer group. I was also appalled by the way our team communicated feedback which I neither found constructive nor diplomatic. Did I really want to make those people my problem as the MD? Did I really want to get myself into such a mess?

It hurt a lot. I did not have doubts about what I had presented, but perhaps I hadn't learned enough about how to handle people and an organization. Perhaps I wasn't ready to take on such an immense task, or perhaps I simply just didn't want it enough...

(Side note: We did end up converging to what I had proposed and it made me realized that I was in an organization where people didn't listen to each other and that it was just about being the loudest and most dominant in the room).

It was luckily the weekend and I was able to just sink into my pain and cry it out. I didn't feel much better after the weekend, so I figured that the role wasn't for me. I decided to let my current MD know that. However, I never got the chance as he went on vacation.

At the end, I didn't withdraw. I thought that anyways the type of questions asked suggested that they really wanted someone else and for the next few weeks I didn't hear back. In my mind, I closed the chapter and moved on and had already begun to look for new jobs in the market. 

The call therefore came as a surprise: I had been shortlisted and the hiring manager was going to decide between two candidates, myself and another one, and wanted another conversation.

And so I was back on the emotional rollercoaster―first I felt shock, then excitement, then panic and fear and then an utter struggle to figure out what to do next. Should I tell the hiring manager that I wasn't into it anymore? Or should I reconsider whether I actually do want the role?

The few weeks of silence in between had been helpful to get a bit of distance to the role and somewhere along this process I realized a few important things:

• Quitting and running away is always easier than turning challenges into opportunities―Could I see getting the organization in order as a personal challenge and the role as an opportunity to change and influence people towards a place I would love coming to work to?
• Shuffling power and regaining confidence by being oneself―I realized that the tiring thing about the whole interview process was the fact that I tried to fit in and that it made me incredibly frustrated. I realized that I was at a life stage where I didn't constantly feel like I needed to proof myself, that I had a great CV and that getting the role would just be another line item on it.
  
  Hence, my mind shifted towards a "take it or leave it" attitude. I knew what I was capable of doing, what unique experiences I brought to the table and if this was something of value to them, then great, and if not, then it was also fine and we were just simply not a good match. I told myself: No more bending for other people. 

So I went into this conversation bold, knowing that I was prepared and okay to also walk away from this, and told the hiring manager what I regarded as simply the facts: "Here are three things for you to consider: I don't have the year-long experience in the company like other candidates, but I am like a wildcard. I bring experience from the market and I have proven that I am flexible and sensible enough to pretty much strive in anything that gets thrown at me. At the end, I believe that it is up to you to decide what you believe are critical skills you need in your organization and that if it doesn't work out between us then that is totally fine, too..."

I think this was the shortest interview I had in my career. After 20 minutes it was over and I received the call the following day that I got the role. I couldn't believe it and it came as a big victory.

Of course, between getting the role and accepting the role were still hurdles that I will talk about in the next write-ups, but here are some of the things I took away from this particular experience:

Growing into responsibility. I was certainly not ready for the role when I started the interview process. It took an immense amount of self-discipline, reflection and honesty to sit down with myself and figure out who I was and what I believed in and being confident enough to communicate it.

Setting the tone. Too often are we followers and takers. We adapt rather than direct. Sometimes it is key to be the one setting the tone and the rules of the playing field (aka stating your position, beliefs and boundaries in high-stake discussions, interviews or pitches).

Humans have a tendency to adapt. If you state your position early on, others will adapt to your needs rather than the other way around. Sometimes stating the obvious is also powerful―it puts the other person into a position of explanation which I saw in this conversation.

When I reflect back on it now, I think growing beyond the role and getting into a mindset of "I care about this role, but life is also good without it" really helped me to step up and to gain the distance I needed to show up authentically and centered.